Journey of a New Camera Purchase

I've been shopping around for a new digital camera and learned quite a bit in the process. My little Samsung NV15 is sleek, chic, and tiny, but after fiddling with and using only the manual settings, I have found that I still don't have enough freedom.

Previously, higher end cameras that had impressed me were the Panasonic Lumix LX2 ($300-400) and the Ricoh Caplio GX100 ($400-500). They both are known for their wide angle lenses (28mm) and have around 10 MP. The Lumix is a cheaper version of the Leica D-Lux 3 ($800? $1200?), so it sports a Leica lens. Reviews of both are generally quite positive, stating them as all-around good cameras at that price range. especially for the singular Ricoh. Plus, both have deliciously classy all-black bodies. My photography-inclined friends Justin and Gideon own these cameras, respectively, and they love them.

Then, I thought, if I'm looking for a camera in that range, why not up the quality to that of an SLR? Cause point-and-shoot digital cameras will never compare. SLR camera buffs are everywhere and mostly annoying, but hey, it's silly to stay away from a hobby because it's too popular or ubiquitous. That'd be great if more people learned how to take better pictures. I toyed with the idea of getting an SLR (Canon Rebel XSi full kit for ~$400!! It won an entry-SLR Gizmodo comp, and is an improvement over the XTi.) for a day or two, but decided that it's so much bulk. And not to mention the added price of getting lenses and accessories. I'd immediately look into a wide angle lens and perhaps a very fast lens - $hundreds.)

During a Craigslist search, I was distracted for a moment by how cool old rangefinders look, and made the impulse purchase of a Canon QL19. QL17's are the top of the line and are available in a very rare all-black body. Dazed from too many Flickr camera finder visits and the growing allure of film made me confident that I could master using completely manual settings with enough time. After buying a few rolls of black and white Tri-X film and a special battery, I come to find out that the shutter doesn't work. Big disappointment.. I'm gonna stay away from film for a while.

Back to 2008. The new Sigma DP1 has recently caught my interest, as it is hyped for being the first digicam with a sensor size that is close to that of an SLR (APS). I'd previously only heard of it as a lens manufacturer. The photo quality is excellent, as it is equipped with a revolutionary Foveon sensor. Technically, the sensor is only 4.6 MP, but with the new sensor technology, the translates closer to 14 MP. And the body is also a no-frills, sexy all-black. But with a price range of $600-$800, it's definitely out of my economic league.

So, with the Samsung still in my possession, I finally thought about what kind of photos I like to be shooting. About half of my photos I take in low-light settings, and the quality is so-so. Anything about 100 ISO is pretty noisy/ugly on my camera, and even with the longer shutter speeds, I can't escape blurriness because most of my subjects are awake people. So even with a tripod (blech!), my preferred method of always using a low aperture will not do the trick. There is no good way to handle this issue in Photoshop, unless I want to manipulate them to look crappier/more artsy. The photos I take in sunlight turn out pretty well, and I tweak them in Photoshop.

Instead of getting an all-around good camera by paying more money, which is easiest, I did more research into this. Turns out the aforementioned Lumix and Ricoh fail miserably in low-light settings (according to dpreview). And that the Fuji Finepix F-series are renowned for their performance in low-light settings. They range $200-300 and have rather unspiring silver bodies that don't stand out against all other digicams. That's why I've previously ignored them. But acording to Wikipedia, the f30fd/f31fd, which came out at the end of digicam dark ages (2006) takes better photos at high ISO settings than the fancy-pants Sigma DP1! And better than the Lumix LX2! And get this, even better than the new Lumix LX3 ($400-$500)! I'm floored. The Finepix f100fd, which came out at the beginning of the year, boasts a wide angle lens (wooh!) and an insane max ISO of 12800! This and the latest, f60fd, both boast 12 MP, which, according to sources below, isn't an awesome thing. Not sure how I feel about that, but this is the series I'm looking at now.

One bit of important info I picked up along the way:

A higher megapixel count does not correspond to increase in photo quality! In fact, they may decrease quality. It's a big fat myth! To get your monies! To see a significant improvement, one needs to quadruple the number of megapixels! If you are not blowing up and printing your pictures, a lower MP count is fine. Or precisely 6, as this site explains. NYT tests the myth too. What matters more is sensor size. This is why SLRs take the highest quality photos (in regards to digital).

And lastly, it's not the camera!

-=-=-=--=-

Edit 9/29:

Perhaps I should be patient and hold off until the end of the year, as Fuji has announced a new sensor that will beat out the previously heralded Super CCD- the Super CCD EXR! Rock! Can't wait to see how high the ISOs will go!

Letterpress Fancy

15 minute Etsy finds:


And.. the very first listing of the search!:


Obama gets all the cool election posters, for sure.

Claire Nereim

$58? Grr. Still in love. (Only 16 prints left.)

Edit 10/1: I communicated with Claire and we worked something out. So I ended up getting it after all. Thanks, Claire! You and your designs rule!

Eiffel Chair

After a week of longing, I finally got my hands on an Eames.. replica for $40. I think it's from the same era though. Salmon is not my favorite color for furniture, but it happens to complement my current wall color (sage, which is also not a favorite). Two wrongs can make 1 right! Thank you Craigslist, for helping me not drop $200 on the real thing..

Canon(et) QL19

Today's impulse buy on eBay.

I really dig the boxy metal cameras of the 60s-80s, and this one is no exception. I found a posting for this in CL for $100, and knowing that eBay would provide more of a steal, made one bid on one in better condition, and got it for $10.28. Not bad for something that would look great on a shelf if it's non-functional. That's Plan B, anyway. I'm hoping I'll be inspired to learn more about photographic basics with this around.. also hoping that it works this time around. I held on to 2 Soviet-made Zorki's for a while, but eventually gave them away this year. With a bare-bones understanding of exposure, the rolls I took were greatly disappointing. Hard lesson is that you have to work those old things to squeeze out good photos. I had really hoped it was magic. And really, old cameras have lots of issues and need to be repaired most of the time, but I don't have the patience or knowledge for that. I figure that since people manage to take brilliant photos with POS Holgas and toy cameras, I can handle a few malfunctions on an old camera with an MSRP >$200. The QL19 comes with some sort of light meter (I think, I can't quite understand the specifications, too much math!), but even so, some sites suggest using your P&S digicam to determine shutter speed. Easy as pie!

The only thing that stinks is the 45mm lens size (50mm is standard, close to what the human eye perceives). I think I would prefer to take wide angle photos, and have been drawn towards the Ricoh Caplio GX100 and Panasonic Lumix DMC digicams for their wide angles/shorter focal lengths. If I decide I don't have the guts to use an SLR, I'll probably upgrade from my little consumer Samsung P&S to one of these.

I've also come to find out that cheap old medium format cameras can easily be had! And I'm not talking about Holgas or Dianas. (Although, there exists the Seagull TLR, which is made in China and seems moderately more reliable than a Holga.) Yashica TLRs, for one. You can find them for under $100 on eBay. I have to read up more on them, but they seem perfectly functional, if not a bit tedious to operate. With their old-timey looks, it makes for a more valuable, but also more expensive display object than the Canonet. I will probably force myself to hold off on this venture until I feel more comfortable with film, since medium format is a totally different beast. What a shame it is to purchase something and be ignorant of how to fully utilize it.

Another dilemma: film vs. digital? Film is the much more expensive choice, since I am learning to take decent photos on my P&S and then editing them moderately on Photoshop to create the desired effect. I've come across tutorials on how to lomo-ize or holga-ize your digital photos, but as effective as they are, it makes for a poor substitute. Not that I'm a film purist, but it's definitely more exciting to explore the differences in cameras than to manipulate photos. So all you need are funds and time!

Photography will probably never be more than one of my many interests, because of the money spent on developing film, on the camera itself, lenses, etc. and effort to master the art isn't really worth it to me. I'd rather be good at something a bit less popular and widespread, heh. I love to enjoy other people's good photos, and my various interests have always been so fleeting. Some of my Flickr contacts take such lovely photos that floor me. I wish I knew how they do it. What irks me is that it's the person behind the camera, and not the camera itself. How do I get better? And is it worth it? I figure I have my lifetime to work on my photo skills, so as long as I'm improving, there's no rush.

Credit Crisis!

NYT article about marriage and money It's crucial to find middle ground!

Suze Orman taking questions on the Freakonomics blog!

Economics is fascinating, but I'm way over my head trying to understand exactly what went wrong with these giant failing companies. This author foresees a credit crash and foresaw the subprime mortgage crisis.

Efforts

Trespasser

Yesterday, I went for a warm stroll down the dangerously sidewalk-less and hilly Clawson Road, near my house. There are some wonderfully charming old houses situated along there, and I miss seeing them most of the time because I'm in my fast car. I took some photos with the intention of forcing myself to learn how to edit in Photoshop. Here's my favorite.

Oh to have the funds and courage to live in a house with so much character! Nice dream

Holga Hunt

Photo by Angie at Pinkie Style
Been debating whether or not it is really worth the effort to own and take photos with a Holga. They are so warm and instantly loveable. But the process can be a headache. Of course, it's possible to reproduce the effects with Photoshop (or with one click on Flickr Premium Picnik mode), but I don't have the time to fiddle around to find the right settings, and if I ever do, the ersatz copy will never feel as satisfying as the real thing (if I ever figure out how to do this too).

The endlessly charming photo above is 35mm film taken on a "hacked" Holga 120N (medium format film, the regular Holga model). That's why you can see the sprockets, as the entire piece of film is exposed. You have to use rubber bands, coins, cardboard to adapt the camera, and also count the number of clicks (35) to know how far to manually advance the frame after each shot. In addition, you cannot get them developed normally at the pharmacy. After taking out and rewinding the film in a completely dark space, you have to ask for a contact sheet and then scan the negatives into your computer- otherwise, the pharmacy will crop out the sprockets, as they usually do with 35mm film.

Here's the much more vibrant original. (How do they protect their photos from being copied / spaceball.gif?)

Taking sprocketed 35mm photos is my first choice, but it is also a lot of work with too many avenues for failure. And developing medium format film is simply much too expensive, especially using a toy camera that delivers satisfactory results less than half the time. It's not uncommon for an entire precious roll to be ruined because of a giant light leak in the body or from improper film installation. This craft requires a lot of money down the drain to perfect! And, since the plastic camera is so cheaply manufactured, parts can break anytime.

A 35mm version of the Holga recently came out last year, with 2 versions: 135BC - Black Corners, like the original 120N Holga, and 135PC - Pinhole Camera, with no lens. (Pinhole cameras have an infinite depth of vision, so they can make neat shots like this and this. But I think most of them just turn out blurred and hazy. You can make a pinhole camera out of virtually any container.) I toyed (ha!) with getting a 135BC, because it's much cheaper to develop, with the same vignetting, warmth and unpredictability of photos taken by the original, but you can't really modify the camera like you can the original, when you do get bored of the same settings. And there is something undeniably special about a square photo.

So, I don't know if I will get anything Lomo-related. Sure they're cheap, $30-$70 per camera, but you definitely have to make up for it with experimentation, much more money for film, and hard work.

Energy Balls Revisited

In an effort to rediscover the joy of making one's own food, I've revisited old recipes and after a trip to Hobby Lobby, printed and compiled them in a portfolio notebook. Success has been made in regards to natural popcorn after a fiasco with spilled kernels, a giant pan and burnt results. I've been making a lot of and experimenting with the recipe for an "energy mix," as it is a quick and convenient way for Brook to get some food in his belly on the way to work or during his breaks. I've added dried goji berries to the latest batch (Mom brought them to me last time, they are very cheap at Chinese supermarkets). See original recipe I made up from memory below. There aren't any measurements, because I prefer to eyeball it. There isn't really any easy way to mess up this recipe, so it's best to vary it according to what you would eat. The first time I made these was sophomore year, in the Duval house, and while they were a hit, I lost the paper recipe during a move. I think I will try to add some molasses in the next batch so that maybe I can roll them into bite-sized balls. (And tone down the PB, as Brook mentioned that he is getting tired of the taste.) In addition to being an outlet, I am very pleased that I can create something so healthy and tasty for not too much $ and time. I am convinced that the best recipes fall in this category!

No-Bake Energy Balls

Dry:
Steel Cut Oats - this will make up most of the dry ingredients
Seeds: Pumpkin, Sunflower, Flax
Wheat Germ
Nuts
Dried fruit: Cranberries, Cherries, Goji Berries, Raisins, Cherries

Wet:
Peanut Butter
Honey
Molasses

Taste:
Salt
Cinnamon
Vanilla

For easier chewability (think of all the whole grains and seeds in it!), put the oats in a food processor for a bit until they are chopped. Once you reach a desired consistency, roll them into balls and refrigerate to set. Or, press them into a 9x9 baking pan and cut into bars.

I stumbled upon this Larabar recipe, and it looks good and much more economical. Just need a food processor now. Larabars impressed me from the start, as they only have 4-5 ingredients, all natural and either fruit or nut. Plus, they taste great. (They also seem to be quite popular in the Raw Food Movement Community.)

Eating out and buying fancy health food is exciting at times, but not really sustainable at my current economic level. I say this just as Brook and I have made reservations to 3 fancy restaurants during Austin Restaurant Week, each meal costing $25/$35 per person...

Eames love

Everyone loves Eames.. and I can't help but give in to this furniture porn. How can I not? They're so iconic. Drool. Furniture has rarely been so inspiring to such a wide audience. Sure, it may be exorbitant to own these items, but I believe that beauty is still worth striving for in well-designed material objects.

Flickr search

I'm so tempted to buy a set of these japanese toy replicas, cause I'll never be able to afford the real things. Come on, paycheck! (Ooh, here's a nice green one /"eiffel" chair on eBay!)

Bonus! Philippe Starck for Kartell Louis Ghost Chair. I've loved these ever since they came out. Playful mash of old and new.



Bonus 2! Mini family on mini Eames chairs.

Bummer.

From Anne Enright's Yesterday's Weather:

"Rubber", she says, “provides us all with an elastic amnesty . . . to pick up dead things, to engage in sexual practices...”

“Nothing is incomprehensible,” she writes, “when you know that life is sad.”

NYT Review

Bonus! Vonnegut quote:

"All great literature is about what a bummer it is to be a human being."

Well XXZCUZX ME

“We just like to use sounds that annoy people,” [Ethan of Crystal Castles] admits with delight. “Especially in the earlier songs, like ‘Xxzcuzx Me’ — that was just to annoy everyone. It’s really strange when people tell us it’s their favourite song.” Article.

Ha!

I can't even find the song online, it's so displeasing.

Crystal Castles // Good Time
Sea and Cake // Coconut
Blitzen Trapper // Furr
(album)

Your Money or Your Life

As you may have guessed, I've been on a real finance management kick. I recently sent out a long-ish email to my peers about the urgency and importance of opening up a retirement account right now. I hope that I can contribute to my 401k and IRA each year as I enter through life's more challenging stages. Reading about individuals or couples who have resurfaced after handling unspeakable amounts of debt (think $50k and up!) is encouraging, because it means that you can dig yourself out of nearly any financial situation if you take control. That's what every financial book says- it's just a matter of having a doable plan, time and diligence. I don't ever plan to get into "bad debt" via credit cards (mortgages or student loans do not count) and I hope that my future spouse won't think this is OK in any situation either.

I keep hearing that finances is the #1 cause of divorce, and I am now starting to understand why. I'm not miserly, nor do I have a problem with overspending, but I do have concerns about being with someone who has a more liberal attitude towards spending and debt. I do NOT want to be the person in the relationship always being the "strict" one by curbing spending, and being in charge of all finances because my spouse isn't interested or responsible enough to manage them. Absolutely unacceptable. I can probably do it, but a burden like that takes a real toll on relationships. Learning finances even in a stable marriage is a good idea, not just in case of divorce or being widowed. Typically, from my limited experience, Asians are much more frugal and save a lot more than any other ethnicities. Yeah, it's a more boring way to live (safe is boring sometimes), but how wonderful it is to never experience the weight and worry of huge debt over the majority of your life. That freedom is definitely worth stretching pennies over and resisting rabid consumerism for me. I look at my parents and see that they live simple lives, but have been able to put their kids through college and travel and live comfortably. Of course, they were very poor right after they graduated, and worked odd and low-paid jobs for a while before landing high-paying jobs at booming tech companies. Still, because of excellent planning, I am quite sure they are set for retirement, and even though my Mom is no longer employed and is in school again, they will probably never be in want of money. Even if they did somehow run low on funds, they have an amazing ability to live with few needs and nearly nonexistent wants.

I have yet to develop a balanced attitude about finances, because I am successfully thrifty for a spell, then I go out and splurge on nice things because my bank balance looks healthy. Hopefully I will be able to stick to a budget and also not try to gain so much satisfaction from purchasing things. For all my life up until now, I haven't worried much about money, because I've always had enough and my parents provided for me. One thing I've learned since graduation is that you shouldn't wait for things to happen to you, because they never might, especially when it comes to healthy finances. Instead, actively work towards personal goals. I don't make a ton of money right now, but if I save, tuck away funds for retirement, start an emergency fund, and spend wisely, I will be in a financially secure situation in no time, especially since I have NO debt to my name. Ideally, my future spouse will be in a similar situation before seriously discussing marriage.

Suze Orman article about Marriage and Money
Pertinent when you are not on the same page financially as your significant other:

"In fact, there should be no "I do's" until you and your sweetie both appreciate the importance of living a financially responsible life. If your partner can't see the value in that, then you need to seriously question how this will play out in a marriage.

If you do find you are poles apart, it's time to dig in and work together to resolve any important differences. Don't attack. Help each other grow and learn, through calm conversations and a lot of listening. Quite often, people are financially irresponsible because they grew up watching their parents make all the wrong moves. So they simply never learned how to do things the right way. That's something you can be compassionate about, and help your honey to overcome."

As I was raised in a Christian family, I was warned against putting my security in money (or other things, people), and advised to trust God for everything. I realize that I have to be careful in learning shrewd financial decision-making not to rely on my knowledge to propel myself higher in life. I just think it's a shame that so many of my peers have bad money habits and debt because of their parents; they either didn't support them or modeled bad handling of finances. In this way, my parents gave me a significant head start. They always paid off all their bills in full on time, taught me to never spend money I didn't have, tithe, start off investing low-risk (low-return), and save. I'm still working on the saving part, as it's so tempting to take advantage of being employed and single and young. These days I'm not so big on going out and buying overpriced drinks or paying covers, but it would be nice to own some modern furniture, more artwork, nicer bike parts, nicer kitchen supplies, and lots of books on my to-read list. But with the serious thought of possible debt incurred through marriage to someone in debt plus the wish of wanting to own a nice home and raise kids eventually, my random spending habits seem immature and irresponsible. Everyone else my age who is single is living this sort of good life, so it's difficult to reign myself in, but I'd rather have a head-start than be on the same sad page as everyone else in a few years.

Another part of me is sick of all this money business and not looking forward to the increased complexity of managing finances with a mortgage, family, increased spending, more investments, debt repayment, more paperwork, etc. Can I juggle these matters successfully based on sheer effort and a little research? Maturity seems really difficult, and I hope that I will embrace all the responsibility it entails and not just survive, but thrive.

----- Mom's Response ------

Dear Frances,

Thanks for sharing the blog with us! Now I know more about what you think of us.

Daddy and I don't worry about retirement because
1. we saved
2. we can live real simply
3. as a pastor, daddy can never retire as long as people needs him to teach/preach
4. we trust that as we do our part (#1), God will take care of the rest

It is really a good feeling when we have extra and can share with others, like what some people do to us from time to time. You know what I mean?

Remember the 10/10/80 rule? Tithe 10%, save 10%, spend the rest.

Love, mom

My titles used to be better

I've finally upgraded to the new layout and customization setting on blogspot, after seeing the updated blog feed gadget on Rachel's blog. I've formatted the side links and am in the process of labeling all my posts. I couldn't help but reread most of them and light upon dusty subjects I'd never revisited.. until now.

Findings:
- Contrary to what it seemed, I actually did a lot in Japan and Hong Kong. Nothing to complain about!
- I was a very fiery sociology major. It makes me a little sad that I didn't take it further immediately after graduation, when I still had the zest and academic rigor.
- I used to write a lot, lot more about music. But these days, it's not as present in my life.
- My writing isn't that interesting or inventive. At least in school, when I was forced to read more complex texts, my writing improved and vocabulary expanded. Sadface.
- Every once in a while, I become more aware of the state of the world around me and am convicted. They seem to be happening more these days. Sign of growth?

-=-=-=-

Mighty Leaf tea "Sale"
Getting back into fine tea. This stuff is pricey, but the superior quality is obvious. At least with the woven bags and distinguishably large tea leaves, buds, fruit pieces, etc. Nice, especially for tea in bags.

I'm tempted to get the hojicha, since I enjoyed it so much in Japan.

Frantown

I am still in a phase where I am not collecting any more junk, as cute as it may be. Having too many things is hard to keep track of and a big pain to move. Although other people's crowded rooms often seem more cozy to me due to their clutter, having a room like that would probably annoy more than comfort me. However, I think it's ok to be selective in what you collect, since things, especially art, are made to be enjoyed and/or used. One thing I am considering collecting is art tiles. I have one so far, a Rob Ryan one-color tile. It was expensive, with shipping from the UK, like $45! (But sheesh, he has since upped the price $14.40!) I have my eye on this one (see above) by Hazel Nicholls, who also has her prints up for sale at Keep Calm. Who knows, if/when I can buy a house, and depending on how much it needs to be redone, I can incorporate these tiles into a floor or bathroom wall. Creative customization that is distinctly me at not much cost. Just a little foresight!

I don't want to fall into the trap of fantasizing about my future/ dream house, but here are some other things I'd like to have:
- A bookshelf of Penguin books
- Stained concrete floors
- Natural ventilation
- Most of Brook's ideas (like incorporating the natural landscape into the house) :)

Of course, the level of customization totally depends on income level (and maybe if I know someone in the business), so hopefully this isn't all a pipe dream. I'd hate to have to settle for a cookie-cutter suburban David Weekly house. Blech.

Design*sponge has eyeball overload as it regards to interior design and beautifully crafted homes. They make a great photo, but my goal is not to have my house look like a piece of art one day. Houses are for living in, not for keeping immaculate. Even if you do pour all that money and time into making your house full of lovely things, you'll only get to live in it for a lifetime. Houses should be comfortable, but I think they should look a certain way from aging gracefully, not from an inordinate expenditure of resources early on. My cheap two cents!

A super cute from Rob Ryan, but I'm not sure I'd want to look at this forever (would I break it after I get married?).

quit yr blubberin

i can be anything i want to be. t/f?

half-assedly trying = automatic false, idiot

how to embrace risk?

31knots

Sad + Happy = Sappy?

Le sigh. Break me out of this melancholy reverie!

Cute boy outfit painting

Link

Let go

Photograph: Christina by Lieutenant-Colonel Mervyn O'Gorman

Vetiver - Maureen

David Pearson for Penguin

David Pearson makes me wanna puke all over myself because he is TOO GOOD. I share all of his design aesthetics.. except that I'll never be that good, EVER. Instantly classic, beautifully printed book cover designs. Penguin probably pays him a pretty penny to make them look so sharp today. Ever since the "Great Ideas" Series I and II came out, I've been halfheartedly trying to collect them, halfheartedly because it is no cheap task. These are books that I would read because of their cover. I cannot heap enough praise onto David Pearson, designer hero!!


Popular Classics - cheap and cleanly designed


Great Loves


Pocket Penguins - almost shelled out ~$200 to get these short stories


Sheesh take a look for yourself here: Website

Dan McCarthy's dinos

No thanks to Google Reader, I have too much new/ interesting information and eye candy to process. The only way to remember them is to star posts, but it's not often that I go back and review what I've starred. So I tend to forget about a lot of really cool artists. Using this blog may be a good way to showcase them.

First up is Dan McCarthy. Dan's posters stand out because dinosaurs + very dark paints + glow-in-the-dark paint = awesometown. You may have to adjust your screen to see this. Most screenprints are colorful and filled with contrast, trying to pop-out at the viewer, since there are sooo many posters out there these days, most of them pretty decent. But his are really subtle night/ frosty scenes, and make you take a longer and closer look to get the fine details. I almost paypal-ed for one (see above image) the moment I saw it, but sadly realized that a glow-in-the-dark poster would probably drive me mad at night. (Even the little sleep button on my laptop will keep me up if it's close enough to my bed.)


Paintings



Ink drawings (so detailed!)

cursed

“They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn…”

- On the Road

missing piece

"If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practising an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

- Man Without a Country, Kurt Vonnegut

Trying to be cool overcomplicates my life

That is pretty similar to the good quote by star designer Stefan Sagmeister,

"Trying to look good limits my life."

Except his is better, and he made big word art out of it. So true. Can't wait to grow up and do things that matter, and let keeping up appearances drop in priority. I already deem that the "coolest" people are ones who are passionate, driven, committed, voraciously curious, and trying to make a difference. I hope to be going in that direction as well, not for the sake of appearances, which can be deceiving and fade away, but for .. life!

"Deadbeat Dads" and other poor men are getting the least sympathy (and monetary aid) these days .. merely because they are men. But don't they need help just like anyone else? Article.

Expensive and well-designed furniture makes me drool (and covet), which is why I try to sharply curb my visits to design blogs. This mid-century Herman Miller Nelson Swag Leg desk was in an ad in a past issue of Dwell. I love the decision to make the partitions playfully colorful, while keeping the desk classy enough for use in an office.



Is good design self-indulgent? That fear always kept me from diving into that world of beauty and wonder. And "Design within Reach"? Hardly. I'd like to see that in action. IKEA is doing an OK job, but I'd go for better design and quality for double the price.

Different World

I've been reading a lot of The Economist lately, trying to get more up to date on global news and issues. (Being able to spend so much time online is one thing to be thankful for in being underutilized at work.) How does you pray about global issues that are so complicated that there doesn't seem to be a solution? Like the rapid increase in food prices. A lot of people may start or continue to starve. And what about the turmoil in Africa and the political corruption that is doing little to help its suffering citizens? Or the countless civilian killings perpetrated by us Americans in Iraq that nobody will ever hear about? Where do you go from there? And how many people really care? Answer: Not enough. That's nearly just as awful. The world has been a dreary place for a long time... and we still have to live in it. I'm hoping to inform myself of not only today's going-ons in the world, but of the nasty living conditions in the past (which I have been fortunate to miss out on). And go somewhere from there. I don't want to be trapped in the superficiality provided by our American pop culture (and underground culture) money machine that keeps the youth uninformed, stupid, intellectually lazy, and afraid of reality. Been there, done that.

I admit that I'm a baby. I've been brought up under other people's guidance for so long and been told what to do for long (lovingly so) that I am relearning how to think for myself. I am now independent! The shock hasn't even completely worn in yet. Therefore, I must take responsibility for my own path and get rid of this complacency that muddles my outlook. Gandhi said that "you must be the change you wish to see in the world." How wonderful it is that I actually have the means to do that! I'm not sure what exactly that looks like yet, but it could be anything. It's encouraging to see this happening in other people's lives, even in strangers' lives, because you see that you are not alone. I don't wish to be ridiculous/ idealistic, but it's much worse to be pessimistic and apathetic. Like Jesus said (Jesus said this, right?), being hot or cold is much better than being lukewarm (blech!). This is something that I've recently begun to struggle with, as my natural inclination is mostly complacency, some perfectionism, and a lot of running away from risks and difficult situations. I've never been in a ton of trouble, but I've yet to accomplish a whole lot either. I hope that will change soon. And one day I hope to be wise.

I started a log of phrases yesterday at work, so that I can record meaningful thought as it comes to me. I'm glad that things are starting to process. Here are a few:

I cannot fully appreciate and enjoy art if I am not also creating it.

What is the purpose of living simply? (Mistake: I tried to live minimally for a while and ended up with a pretty empty life.)

Passion produces productivity.

Everything worthwhile is bigger than I am.

#1 Stuck Inside

1 No Excuses - Air France
2 Duel - Menomena
3 I Can't Stand It - Telepathe

Yoga.

I feel so peaceful and relaxed after yoga. Today's class was more strenuous, as we did more downward dogs and learned upward dog. I felt like I got a real workout (my muscles were shaking) without sweating much at all. Sigh. My mind is clear. It is definitely a stress reliever. It's also good to not listen to music on the drive home and just be. I'm tired, but I also feel enervated, unlike after a really long ride or game of sports, when you merely feel dead. I was somewhat reluctant about yoga, because I am bad at focusing my attention on any activity that isn't the Ultimate one (which is..?), but I am learning to use effort in little, difficult and seemingly useless activities (ones that I can easily quit).

Caught in the most cush place in the world/time

"Waste! Not" article (from Boston Ideas)
Smart! Treating our waste as a resource, not as something to be done away with. And also thinking about ways to reduce the large amount of clean water we use in our current inefficient sewage system. But the psychological barriers to these advances are formidable. (Agh, I can't believe that diarrhea takes more lives than AIDS does in Africa... When we get the runs here, all it takes it some Tums, water, and rest and we're good to go after a few hours or so.) A lot of good research has been taking place, (much of it in a more forward-thinking Europe?), but it doesn't seem that realistic for America to adopt these new toilets any time soon, not as long as we are still wealthy and comfortable. Curse riches!

I've been reading Out of the Silent Planet (seem to have gotten in a sci-fi stage as of late, unintentionally) with a bemused perspective of one who has only appreciated C.S. Lewis for Narnia and his challenging, yet illuminating books on Christianity. So while it has been enjoyable, sci-fi C.S. Lewis is sorta weird in light of the depth of his other work. He compares himself to H.G. Wells (with whom I am not very familiar, sadly), but the sci-fi genre has never fully excited my imagination, because it involves a complete suspension of belief where I can hardly question anything without being dragged away from the story with a growing list of unanswered questions. I'm no scientist, but it's hard for me to immerse myself in a world that is completely different from the one in which I live.

Anyways, in the book, listening to Ryoi the alien hrossa talk about his species'(?) existence alongside with his enemy species' existence, and how they love the enemy even though they kill each other reminded me of what I learned about Native Americans in high school. They had a similar philosophy of life, treating the earth as a gift to be used and taken care of, but not abused. Animals were killed only for food and shelter, and killing for profit or fun was a vile concept outside of their thinking. Everything was done out of necessity, and never out of hate or excessiveness. What simplicity and harmony with the earth (until the Whites came and destroyed all of this in blood-thirst, greed and conquering spirit. Enter a new, powerful, extremely destructive civilization. And I'm part of that legacy. Is the Earth going to look like itself in Wall-E, a few hundred years from now? Uninhabitable?)

In light of this example, our modern lifestyles appear absolutely abhorrent and irresponsible. Driving luxury cars that make our air irreversibly dirty, and owning multiple cars? Littering? Creating so much trash out of unnecessarily excessive packaging, wasted food, and unused products? Living in giant homes that regulate temperature regardless of energy expenditure (One of my roommates used to turn the thermostat down to somewhere in the 60's and bury herself in her thick covers!)? Upgrading perfectly functional goods and owning new things all the time? There is no comparison.. Recent advances in more sustainable living are heartening, yet it is obvious that none of these advances and concessions would have to be made if our attitudes weren't so ruthless, short-term, and seeking for immediate satisfaction in the first place. We're not going backwards, but it sure seems that way as better ways of living call us to forgo comforts we always thought we were entitled to. And that's really uncomfortable! I have been accused of black and white thinking, so with that in mind, as Americans, I think eventually we'll have to get used to be pretty uncomfortable all the time, as long as we remember our past comforts. In fact, I currently feel guilty for having the luxury of hiding out in my really cool room when it's 102 degrees outside. Not that I am going to create discomfort for myself to expunge my middle-class guilt, but part of me longs for the day where collective good triumphs over individual ease. Yes, all our conveniences allow us to accomplish more and enjoy/consume more, but how much more meaningful is it to work, create and succeed within responsible boundaries? A lot more. Middle-class America has a long way to go, but the small changes within and the ones without (see poor countries) are for real. I'm staying tuned.

bopping & trodding

about the now-me:
- the only poetry i really enjoy and seek to analyze is song lyrics. they touch me more easily than most literature. low-brow art?
- i feel restrained. not sure by what. i feel if i live minimally (get rid of things) i will be freer. but i'm not doing much in general. i lost my passions and am starting a half-hearted search for them now.
- i feel creatively dead. lately, i want to be a in band? it is the easiest and most exciting outlet i see now, as i already have some musical experience. but i am afraid of hitting a wall too soon and running out of ideas. is there even enough in me to contribute to the modern art landscape?
- i am starting to become more disengaged from the internet, social networking even. it's disheartening to have interesting initial conversations with a stranger/acquaintance online and then upon meeting them, realize no spark or connection in real life. although, this might just be one example of how i am disengaged from everything in life now.
- scary epiphany: in terms of action and thought, i cannot distinguish my true self from obedience to social norms. !! which means that i must break some social norms and allow myself the freedom to be disagreeable, since i've abided by the rules for so long. who even knows what that will look like!

song that transcended today: menomena - duel. i didn't really like the rest of this album, but when this started playing on my shuffle, i felt amazement. the chord structures are actively pleasing and unconventionally poppy. if it makes any sense, this particular soundscape translates into the way of life i would like to be living: hopeful. i have a hard time describing music because i don't have a broad background and knowledge of influences to draw from. most of the reviews i read are like that, but the better ones employ metaphors. perhaps i can never get past sentimentalism when it comes to musical enjoyment. i haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing yet. it's certainly not something to brag about to those who are cultured, though.

What if all my enemies were dead
and i could forget everything they said
could I be then who I really am?

What if I sold everything I own
And ran away from everyone I know
could I make another place my home?

And if I let go all of my ghosts
who would I dump over the months?

What if everyone is right?
Should've taken their advice
But I can't change my mind

And if I let go all of my ghosts
who would I dump over the months?


i have also been enjoying the tender tunes of things in herds (from the daily growl) at work. so i haven't really gotten a chance to sit down and listen hard for the layers, but it is nice background music at least. this reminds me of how much i enjoy hushed folk music, and that i should look into sam amidon again. nick drake, maybe? one time i was at maggie's, sitting around reading with a few of her other friends (which never happens) and she put on the sam amidon record. coupled with the wood floors and ceilings, the music and silence created a rare and warm atmosphere. it disappeared too quickly when one of us got antsy and started talking. i left shortly afterwards. this is a large reason why i prefer to be alone: silence is hard to come by and it's easiest to uncover without others around.

strange form of life

Humdrum. Wake late, sit in hot car, work, dally, snack, sit in hot car, hang out, sleep late.

I didn't realize how robotic I had become until today, when I came home, ate some food, and went through some more of my stuff to throw out (so that i don't have to move as much when i do move). I was about to trash one of Roz's screenprinted posters (which looks pretty neat but I am not in the business of collecting posters), but instead, I got out my scissors and cut it up into little rectangles. I somewhat pretended that I was a designer reusing my old prints as business cards. But really, there was nothing to it, no goal in mind, yet it wasn't mindless. I gave myself the task of finding the best patterns to isolate in a rectangle, excluding letters. Funny enough, it was satisfying work. More satisfying than anything I did at work-work today. Wow, how creatively inhibited my lifestyle has become. All the more reason to sign up for the wheel-throwing pottery class at Clayways starting in a few weeks. The final product is important, yes, but it's the process of shaping, perfecting and being in complete control that makes crafting worthwhile (if this is not your job). Wouldn't you agree?



This may be one of my more dull posts, but I seem to have forgotten that it is OK and good to express things for the sole purpose of expressing them. For myself. Life's not a stage. thankfully, And I can have Frances Time more and more these days. Relief! It's fun to do things with the boyfriend and friends too, but I do not require those times to be productive necessarily.

I only want to hear it in stories

Went to the David Sedaris reading yesterday. It was pleasant being read to and finding the stories funny. Sigh. It's just that I get so anxious thinking about all the good books I should be reading or have read, so much so that I freeze up and avoid it all together. Knowledge is a scary thing to confront as an individual. I think that maybe I should go back and get another liberal arts degree, in history or something similar, so that I could understand our past and why the world is the way it is today. I don't always care, because my comfortable life status never really forces me to, but I always feel a persistent nagging that I should, as a human being, and especially as an American. (Now that I've moved over to avoiding people, perhaps I should start confronting large-scale ideas and issues..)

At the end, Mr. Sedaris kindly recommended a few books and authors. I looked up one of them, Tobias Wolff, and have been covertly reading his memoir on Google Books at work since this morning. Here's a wonderfully written passage from it (Background: his mother had enrolled him in a Catholic school to spite her Protestant ex-husband, and his nun teacher is requiring all students to go through their first confession):

“I thought about what to confess, but I could not break my sense of being at fault down to its components. Trying to get a particular sin out of it was like fishing a swamp, where you feel the tug of something that at first seems promising and then resistant and finally hopeless as you realize that you’ve snagged the bottom, that you have the whole planet on the other end of your line.”

- This Boy's Life

So perceptive of a little boy. With a sad childhood.

the funeral in my brain

free until they cut me down
but no longer
done with dealing
disappearing act no more
no exit
but here
start

Something/ Someone Rises To Meet Me

Why am I scared of so many things? Sometimes, I wish I had more of a don't-give-a-fuck attitude about the little things. Offend people sometimes, do what I want. Surely that's a tad better than living in the fear of man. It's debilitating a lot of the times. I should live as if I am free, because.. I am. But I can't turn off emotions! They're not to be trusted sometimes. However, I can train myself to feel the right feelings at the appropriate time. Spending so much time around friends whose lives are driven by their emotions has made it difficult for me to do this, but I have to.

It's going to be a real challenge figuring out what I need to start controlling in my life, and what I need to relinquish to a higher power. Faith be turned to sight!

This whole finding housing ordeal is moderately stressful! I know that I won't be homeless come August, but the current mad rush is anxiety-inducing. I hope JJ and I won't have to pay more than we want to for a decent house, but I am willing to pay a good deal more for a comfortable home and peacefulness. Money has always been the top priority in finding a place to live, but I am allowing mental and emotional health to take precedence. Sometimes I want to purchase a house so bad.. Nevermind about that, since I plan on moving out of Austin within the next few years to see another part of the US or world. I don't want to become provincial, even though Texas is a great state. No better time to do it! And the only way I can determine my limits is to test them, right? Another scary idea. I suppose I must get over my irrational desire for a perfect and easy life, whatever that really means, because that's not my main goal in living anyway. Oh upbringing, the old rules I've learned from it I still apply, even though I am in an entirely new stage of life, because no new mindset has replaced it. Where is that mindset?? Give me! Maybe I'm not thinking enough about things.

On a musical note:
If you get to wear headphones at work, check out muxfind. It's a muxtape search engine, and probably a great way to get introduced to new music. Here's mine.