Feeling New

Hi, today is a good day. I feel so fresh! Thanks to the deliciously cool weather, I don't feel like I'm in Texas at all, but on vacation or something. This feeling may not last very long, but I look forward to this weekend's events (buying out TCBY, going to a friend's play, giving blood, seeing my family) and rest with anticipation.

Today I had to purchase gelato at Texas Expresso after realizing, sample spoon in my mouth, the 'free gelato' coupon I was clutching so triumphantly in my hand had expired just last week. So I got Texican Vanilla and Chocolate Oreo- what a great team. Like any logical person of today, I ate and did my homework outside on the patio. Next to my table was a group of three students/graduates, a girl and two guys, who were carrying on such lively conversations about politics, religion, family, etc. Needless to say, it took me much longer to complete my tedious translation homework, and my pace almost hit a standstill when they started taking hits at Christianity and religion. Some of what they had to say was true, but what kept my attention were their cynical and witty remarks about everything, insulting or not. What can I say, I gravitate towards intelligent people with quick tongues, regardless if I can keep up with them or not. At least they care and know about current events, which is more than I can say for the general young adult population. Perhaps I find them more entertaining than, say, beautiful people who know only how to keep themselves beautiful or (insert your own example). Anyway, when I left, I turned to get a good look at them, and the first word that came to mind: nerdy! But that impression came far too late for any real misdoing.
This reminds me of Benjie's talks at RUF about dating, and one point he keeps on making is for us to date more. This may sound funny coming from a preacher's mouth, but before that exhoratation came an analysis of how selfish and one-sided dating is these days. All we do is use each other, great. Human relationships are at the core of living- nobody wants to die alone. So the point was to date more to get to know the people around you. The real point of bringing this up was not to alienate my readers of the non-faith, but to state that at first glance, I would have probably dismissed those fellows at lunch as not my type of people. "To find out if you love someone, you have to love them first." Is that cheesy? It's so true though.

Sometimes, in lucid moments, I realize how little I know about living well. If I'm honest, I would admit total ignorance all the time. Thank God for His Guidebook! I'm really feeling it right now.

Today in class I learned about capitalism: make money to make more money.
To me, it seems so obvious that people spend too much time doing certain things, like working. I hope I never become a workholic and miss out on life and even the little things we are meant to enjoy.

I don't really know what my life is now in terms of major, career or studying abroad, but it's slowly coming together. And as far as studying abroad goes, I feel like I have beaten the poor dead horse to a pulp in my mind, and I realize that what I want cannot be satisfied in one trip, unless maybe I suddenly come into a large sum of undeserved money. So I think I might just wait it out until I have time to go on such a luxurious trip. There's a better chance that I will be able to in the near future, if I am to be a teacher. Go summer vacation! They took away recess, but that can't take summer away from me.

Ok I really have to go to class, but today after I walked out of the house, I realized I was wearing ALL blue, even my purse, but not including my backpack. How embarrassing.

Insight Doesn't Equal Repentance

listening to "jerusalem" + mirah
"tearing in my heart" + sunny day real estate

Returned home from worship team practice and then a bit of tennis at dusk. Am in kind of a sulky mood and cursing myself for it. I was pretty frustrated after the hour long practice we had at church. It was very last minute slapped together but the thing that really irked me and my "reformed" heart were the songs. After doing RUF for two years and growing to love those new old hymns, I've picked up a dislike for most contemporary praise and worship songs (we don't sing those at RUF). So here's a dilemma, my musical ability is much needed on the team this summer, but I don't really enjoy playing or singing many of those songs. I almost feel like a traitor when I don't emotionally climax with the rest of the folks, like on "Here I Am To Worship," for example. My mom remarked that I was being a big selfish baby. Well, OK it's not about doing things my way and with my preferences. But where's GarageBand when you need it?
Curse my selfish pride!

Fresnel lenseur [the start of summer]

"It's summertime and though it's hard to see its true
possibilities"

That's how it is, it's like looking at a painting very close up, grainy and all. Pretty uninspiring. Before the start of it I could stand back and have goals and be optimistic. No! don't let me fall into this cycle of waste again. There are, however, Changes:
1) I have a two week temp job working full-time as a secretary. Piece of chocolate cake; these forced experiences always make me realize that my people skills need some brushing up on. Can I say that it's just my personality? I can be no Erin. Found out that I won't be able to work at Princeton Review teaching little kiddos pricey secrets of the SAT this summer after all.
2) My parentals think I am addicted to smoking. Outrageous thought, although it might be a reasonable assumption considering that they know so little detail of my smoking experience in college (very limited) and that parents have that nasty habit of assuming the worst at times. Sorry RUF, sorry friends, you are collectively known as "bad company" for who knows how long. For those of you early leavers, Nora and I purchased a total of 50 cigarillos (and 2 non-flavored cigars) at Bobalu's in 6th. Smoking is not that inherently enjoyable to me. I don't even like smoke. I'm just a product of the age, ready to consume anything and everything laid out in front of me, whether my body likes it or not. Social reasons are the most of it and do I love society!
3) Going along with the unproductive wave that sweeps over students when summer actually starts, I'm going to tell you what I want(ed) to accomplish.

I. Get decent on the mandolin
II. Learn proper English grammar (it never stuck in hs)
III. Remember the Chinese I learned
IV. Enter the stream which is called reading the latest books and then some because there's no way I can catch up with the well-read intelligents of America
V. Design: find out if it's for me, learn the means (how?), get my ideas out and then see if there is a future
VI. And lastly, most urgently, make some cold hard cash to slap in front of the Carter's next year (and not share my room with shedding cats in the meantime)
-I went on an application run on Monday and one of the places I went was Half Price Books. They weren't hiring. Are they ever? Is it not discriminatory that all of their employers are either a) off-kilter b) careless c) plain weird d) all the above ? Instead of going about getting money the regular way, how about I've never seen Asian people working there and then sue the company? Yes?

I miss friends. I miss fellowship, is more like it. Andrew and Eric came over tonight to chat; Andrew and I were gonna have a smoke (I initiated in an email), but I refrained because I wanted to sway my parents' misinformed opinion as soon as possible, so I could use up them cigarillos as soon as possible. Of course he knocked flavored cigars whilst puffing away; can't I ever find things out and enjoy the personal feeling that comes with every little discovery and new experience? Can't it be a normal thing, not a sheltered thing? In general, the jaded ones who let loose easily ruin it for the young bright-eyed voyeurs.

You'll be proud of me for this one. Trying to be well-rounded and not topple over from excess and overkill in one area. Even though I've heard many a relatively unknown, make-no-mark bands, ex. the high dials, hefner, 20 minute loop, and electrolane, who cares about that if I have a shameful deficiency of knowledge in the subject of "old music"/the classics. So, in effort to soften the edges, last night was dedicated to listening to (and I found myself really enjoying) some of the best of pre-90's, in no particular order and in no way exhaustive (thanks to allmusic for the recs):

"If it's lasted this long, it must be good"

Pink Floyd
Eric Clapton
ABBA
ELO
The Who
The Doors
Jethro Tull
Carole King
Rod Stewart
Bob Dylan
The Rolling Stones
The Byrds
Eddie Cochrane
Fleetwood Mac
Elvis Costello
Creedence Clearwater Revival
The Clash
Elton John
The Specials
Van Morrison
David Bowie
The Mamas & Papas
Tom Petty
Bob Seger
AC/DC
Yes
Alan Parsons
Cream

So, In this way I am not a true blue American. But a lot doens't happen for you when you are born to immigrated parents. That's just the way it is!

Ah what the heck, it's only music. How now, some real tragedies: Amnesty International

Sleep to do. Work at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

Pipe Dreams

You've seen the latest surreal Adidas commercial about an "intelligent shoe"; I rather like it, especially the song. Turns out it's sung by Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's. Too bad, I thought a newcomer quiet-girl rocker was on the verge of breaking through.

Been listening to "The Engine Driver" off of The Decemberists' latest offering to the world. Jangly, melodic, and very singable, this one may be for you. It's for me too. [I've also been listening to a good bit of Kelly lately. Meaning, Kelly Clarkson. Oh yes, we are already on a first name basis. OK, the way I see it, the only merit of a radio hit is catchiness, and with that, a few of her songs please a part of me.]

On becoming a smoker..

So I decided last night sometime during the mingling time after RUF that I wanted to purchase a pipe. John/Don/Jack Roberson hooked me up with some good info on where and how to start; he really is a neat guy, that John. And it's true that the RUF crowd is fond of tobacco products, namely pipes. [But keep in mind, Lea, that I am my own person and I do things mainly because I like doing them, not because .. of everyone else!] Erin H., Jenn Guetz and I tried them out for the first time at the guys' Steck apartment last year under the kind coaching of tobaccy veterans Garrett L. and Clayton S. It sure was fun. Since Highland Mall houses a Pipe World, I was just going to stop by on the way home after Smart Start this afternoon. And let me say that I almost did, except that earlier this morning, the sensible side of me typed in "pipe smoking" and "cancer" in the same search box and pressed Enter. Needless to say, it decelerated my blazing desires of becoming an intellectual smoker for the time being, and maybe for the rest of life. I'm not one to dabble with future suffering, if I can help it. But don't worry, John, I'll find a way!

A note on Nationals: they went really well. I made the individuals round, advanced to the final pool, placed 6th overall in Women's Foil. This wouldn't have been possible unless I was in the C spot, which I was. It was a combination of strategic workings, Providence, and lastly, just plain effort that brought me such an honorable title. Really, I'm an intermediate fencer. I am being showered with so much praise, most of which I haven't fairly earned. In terms of achievement, I would've made a better boy, eh? And the UT Fencing Team isn't even varsity, it's a tier below, whatever that's called. About team relations, they are slowly but surely improving. Because my teammates are truly themselves, I will respond back by also being myself. I can't dodge rejection and criticism and be a real person. That is something we all must be, real people. It's also awesome how a team bonds together in tough situations and rare opportunities. Anyway, enough jibber-jabber. It's already tomorrow.