bopping & trodding

about the now-me:
- the only poetry i really enjoy and seek to analyze is song lyrics. they touch me more easily than most literature. low-brow art?
- i feel restrained. not sure by what. i feel if i live minimally (get rid of things) i will be freer. but i'm not doing much in general. i lost my passions and am starting a half-hearted search for them now.
- i feel creatively dead. lately, i want to be a in band? it is the easiest and most exciting outlet i see now, as i already have some musical experience. but i am afraid of hitting a wall too soon and running out of ideas. is there even enough in me to contribute to the modern art landscape?
- i am starting to become more disengaged from the internet, social networking even. it's disheartening to have interesting initial conversations with a stranger/acquaintance online and then upon meeting them, realize no spark or connection in real life. although, this might just be one example of how i am disengaged from everything in life now.
- scary epiphany: in terms of action and thought, i cannot distinguish my true self from obedience to social norms. !! which means that i must break some social norms and allow myself the freedom to be disagreeable, since i've abided by the rules for so long. who even knows what that will look like!

song that transcended today: menomena - duel. i didn't really like the rest of this album, but when this started playing on my shuffle, i felt amazement. the chord structures are actively pleasing and unconventionally poppy. if it makes any sense, this particular soundscape translates into the way of life i would like to be living: hopeful. i have a hard time describing music because i don't have a broad background and knowledge of influences to draw from. most of the reviews i read are like that, but the better ones employ metaphors. perhaps i can never get past sentimentalism when it comes to musical enjoyment. i haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing yet. it's certainly not something to brag about to those who are cultured, though.

What if all my enemies were dead
and i could forget everything they said
could I be then who I really am?

What if I sold everything I own
And ran away from everyone I know
could I make another place my home?

And if I let go all of my ghosts
who would I dump over the months?

What if everyone is right?
Should've taken their advice
But I can't change my mind

And if I let go all of my ghosts
who would I dump over the months?


i have also been enjoying the tender tunes of things in herds (from the daily growl) at work. so i haven't really gotten a chance to sit down and listen hard for the layers, but it is nice background music at least. this reminds me of how much i enjoy hushed folk music, and that i should look into sam amidon again. nick drake, maybe? one time i was at maggie's, sitting around reading with a few of her other friends (which never happens) and she put on the sam amidon record. coupled with the wood floors and ceilings, the music and silence created a rare and warm atmosphere. it disappeared too quickly when one of us got antsy and started talking. i left shortly afterwards. this is a large reason why i prefer to be alone: silence is hard to come by and it's easiest to uncover without others around.