Wednesday, January 14, 2009

so many days

Above photo: B's house. No central AC or heating. It hasn't been pleasant hanging out there in the evenings, even with this mild Texas winter.. I should tell myself it's like camping! Something I've been meaning to do anyway in one of the nearby state parks (McKinney State Falls, maybe?). Gear is so expensive though. Gotta escape that city life and practice some Wordsworth!

I took that photo and 19 other polaroids last weekend. I never really liked polaroids, because image quality is low, exposures are expensive (well now they're around $2 a shot), and it became way too hipstery. To me, photographic artistry went out the window, every crudely composed polaroid assumed instant charm. This photographer's essay on Lomography partly encapsulates my feeling. "[It] be­came a syn­onym for bad pic­tures, for see­ing things that aren't there, for la­bel­ing ev­ery­thing art." But after seeing the magic of the SX-70 (and a 10-pack of polaroid film at Walgreens), I felt like paying tribute to this highly influential format. The results were satisfactory, but I think I'll stick with my 35mm film and slr with manual settings.

Funny thing, I think about my life so much at work. Because I am very underutilized and too lazy to do anything about it now. An object at rest tends to stay at rest. So, here's the thing. I'm doing all the right sustainable things in my life, like cutting out high fructose corn syrup, throwing away my teflon pans, turning down the thermostat, not using disposable dishware.. But overall? Mostly clueless, and skeptical of what I used to know (the "Christian" life. Need new "eyes." So much makes me shudder). I'm tempted to drop everything again, and start anew, but it was hard picking anything back up. Where is my passion? I've been baking more these days, and I love bringing people fresh baked goods, but that is only an interest. I've been trying to read more, and while the books are interesting, they don't really stick. Is it because I haven't really lived? There is nothing here worth pouring my full self into..


ehaze said...

maybe you don't always have to have a passion in which to dive headfirst, like you used to. i remember that back in the day you would often skip from one "conquered" interest, hobby, passion, etc to another. i understand the desire to be productive and fruitful and to pursue worthy things and to be interested in life, but living for those 'highs' can dissapoint, too.

Fern said...

yea, those were the days that are not worth repeating. it's like chasing a fleeting dream, ya know? well, it seems to me that the passion has to be there. doesn't matter what it's directed towards, cause you can fix that later. but if the passion isn't even there, how does one produce it? i just don't really believe humans are meant to live half-assedly, or "quiet lives of desperation."

erin said...

this is sort a general comment about your blog. i don't know you, but i enjoy reading it. from a stranger's perspective it's nice to see someone be "increasingly personal" as it's nice to know/be reminded that there are all kinds of people outside your social bubble that have similar thoughts/concerns about life, themselves, and what-not.

on polaroids, i like what you took. i guess, like with everything, mediums go in and out of favor and right now it is indeed sort of trendy. but i love polaroids-- always have and always will. but i think i am dork for anything nostalgic.

as for passion... sometimes i feel like those moments or pursuits just sneak up on you. again i don't know you, but i guess my point is not to give up. and i agree... "half-assedly" is no good if it can be helped.

sorry...i wrote you a novel.

Fern said...


Thanks for your thoughtful comments! I always value feedback and it's nice to know that I'm not completely crazy, heh. Naw, giving up is really lame, especially at this age, so I don't plan to do that. Your blog looks pretty neato, and I'll have to check it out soon.