Repurposeful

Drinking some yummy Boylan's Root Beer at work. Not the best bottled root beer ever, but still pretty good. On sale at HEB at $3.99 per pack/$1 per bottle. Found some repurposed glass tumblers online while I was looking up reviews. And here. At first, I thought, wow these are really neat, I want some. They're annoyingly expensive for a recycled product. And then it made me think of all the glass that gets thrown away after drinking that soda or beer or wine.. coupled with the fact that many of us own glass cups that we reuse. Bummer!! My logic may be wrong, but the former is the equivalent to throwing out your kitchen cups after each use. (Isn't there some rapper who has that policy with his wife-beaters?) Glass is glass. So much waste!

What if all glass bottles were repurposed into cups? My guess is that there wouldn't be a huge market for them, since fancier non-recycled ones exist. What would it look like to live in a society where wastefulness was looked down upon or outlawed? I understand that many early/primitive societies exhibited this sort of attitude, and that probably the Industrial Revolution and capitalism gone wild is responsible for the volume of trash that exists.

To be fair, there are conveniences that come with the freedom to be wasteful. You get to own nicer and newer things, you can be picky, you get to enjoy something whenever you want to, more inventions/technological advances, and much more. What do you think, is it worth it?

Too Much Rubbish

Lately I've been finding it not that hard to avoid materialism. I know, I know, all I post about these days are things to own. But when I think about them for a short while, I realize I don't care at all. That's definitely never happened before. Finding it exceedingly difficult to deeply care about anything, really. Everything, everything is in flux.

More Boredom Quotes

For musings.

Nothing is so stifling as symmetry. Symmetry is boredom, the quintessence of mourning. Despair yawns. There is something more terrible than a hell of suffering -- a hell of boredom.

VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

Life is never boring but some people choose to be bored. The concept of boredom entails an inability to use up present moments in a personally fulfilling way. Boredom is a choice; something you visit upon yourself, and it is another of those self-defeating items that you can eliminate from your life.

WAYNE W. DYER, Your Erroneous Zones

I am convinced that boredom is one of the greatest tortures. If I were to imagine Hell, it would be the place where you were continually bored.

ERICH FROMM, The Dogma of Christ

Boredom is the self being stuffed with itself.

WALKER PERCY, Lost in the Cosmos

Burnout

I'm on a Rob Horning roll!

This excerpt exemplifies a feeling I've always been haunted by and only recently pinpointed.

"In Marx’s view, the economic roles we fulfill shape the horizon of our subjective aims while serving the underlying function of reproducing the existing system. For most of us, that economic role boils down to “consumer”, which means we must embody the restless pursuit of novelty, at least to the degree to which we want to be at harmony with the culture we live in. As a result, it’s hard to avoid the feeling of missing out on something, no matter how into whatever it is we actually are doing."

Article

No more fantasy

Daniel
When I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under wild blue sky, marble moon skies
I found a home in your eyes, we'd never be apart

And when the fires came, the smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the golden blue,
You took me to the darkest place you knew
And set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
Into a place that's lost
Daniel
Under a sheet of gray (?) in my heart
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bet with my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept,
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as my house (?) ran round,
My dream pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame,
For home again, for home again

-- Moving song, but I've become more cynical about fantasy worlds in art. Time to live in the actual world?--

Made the chocolate lava cake of yesterday's post. I used a small 7" casserole dish ($1 from Goodwill), left it too long in the oven, so it wasn't molten, but fully cooked. It was super rich and B and I couldn't even finish it between the 2 of us. He had it mixed in with his vanilla yogurt, which reminded me of how my roommates and I used to do that with No-Pudge brownies to make them go a little bit further.

Commented on a recent blog post by my friend Rachel. The topic of her post really hit me hard and reminded me of what I lack in my surroundings and social interactions. I have too many things, and not enough community. Why is it so hard to cultivate or find??

Img source: Jorgen1032's photostream

Problem.

More choice, less happiness.

I think that's a big problem. It's not that I need to be told what to do, like when I was a child, but that I don't even know how to go about choosing what to do. And, much chagrin over perceived missed opportunities.

supercnnctd

Cracking and eating some pumpkin seeds to whittle away the time..

Watched part of the Obama inauguration this morning, half because I wanted to not work, half because it's sorta historic. I'm not an Obama fanatic, even though I did vote for him, and I have a meager interest and knowledge in US politics/ government. I know it's important, but my mind gets hazy after reading or hearing too much about it. Since when did being informed citizens take so much work? Transparency about how things really are, what politicians really do seems impossible. Anyway, his speech was excellent. He made us sound... humble. Definitely a new step in defining America's identity, post-Bush. It left me wondering just how much he could lead the nation to accomplish during his presidency. I would really like to be proud of my country again.

In my recent craze to become a financial wizard, I sure am glad I procrastinated (or am still procrastinating) on converting my traditional IRA to a Roth IRA. Due to the state of the economy, if you have a Roth IRA, despite significant losses, you will be taxed on your "pre-loss" balance. Ouch. Though, seems like you can profit from this...? I don't like jumping through hoops for money.

Last weekend, I purchased a new old camera! The Canon AE-1 Program. I had previously been floored by the quality of these photos produced by the Canon A-1, and since then, have been researching the different models and running the occasional eBay search. I prefer to keep transactions local and found a craigslist post selling said camera. I don't know much about thoroughly checking the condition of an old camera before buying, but lucky for me, the amiable seller agreed to take it to Precision to get an estimate of repairs. Everything was in fine condition, and it only needed its light seals replaced, which is pretty standard for a 30 year old camera, so I completed the transaction. Can't wait to take it out on a test run, especially since my 50mm lens is still being borrowed by my pastor... The only thing I am wary about is the manual focus lens. I'm so used to autofocus that I'll have to work more efficiently and think ahead before taking the shot. Hope it's worth it.. The other thing I love is the sweet sound of the mechanical shutter (no Canon squeak!). So satisfying! Also, I thought I wanted to get a nice, thick, vintage strap just like this, but the woven hippie strap it came with seems to fit the piece. And if all goes as planned, I'll have a new Domke F-3X sand color bag to carry it around in at the end of the week..

It's easy to get caught up in accumulating the "right" gear and forget the art you are making. I am not sure towards what direction I want my photography to go. I don't think about it much, except that I try to steer clear of what has already been established. Or even what is soon to be established. I'm not interested in creating a perfectly exposed photo.. or an artsy-fartsy/light-leaky/fuzzy/badly exposed photo. Or even super hip photos like this, or this. Point is, I know what I'd like to avoid copying. So much has been done already that I can't have anything but a humble attitude towards my output, and hope that somebody will like it. In fact, most of my photos which I deem ordinary other people on Flickr seem to appreciate. I know I'll never be great (due to lack of passion?), but I think that as long as I try to look at the world differently and find some meaning in what I capture, it will be worthwhile.

Whew, those last two paragraph were long and boring. Sorry for the readers who have no interest in photography or rather, no interest in my specific photographic interests, hah.

Regarding being in the know: I'm generally not a big fan of media overconsumption anymore. What's the point? I have used it to avoid asking myself important questions before. So now, as I am timidly revisiting those questions that will not disappear, I am also laying off the design/music/culture/fashion blogs, the news sites, google reader, the millions of interesting looking links. A hiatus, for now, but I believe that a quiet, uncluttered life is more ideal. Coupled with a life passions and goals, of course, including serving others. It's definitely hard to accomplish that simplicity in this age, where connectedness fuels efficiency, and so many distractions compete for our attention. Skimmed (when do people really read? It's exceedingly difficult for me to really read anything online) this article today about a woman around my age whose lifestyle (and existence!?) relies on social networking. I'm not behind the times, but the way she relies on these tools astounds me. What a product of this age. I do admit that I am somewhat jealous at all her traveling, but she definitely works to get what she wants. I don't think I can be this type of super-connected person, which may be to the detriment of my future career. It isn't smart anymore to believe that if you only work hard doing what you are told to do, it will eventually pay off. As much as I wish I were a Big Thinker, I am not. I was raised to follow. Wondering if I should look to enter a trade, in a smaller sphere that is easier to understand and operate..

Speaking of being a natural-born follower, what do I do when everything I was taught is in question? I was also taught to distrust my own conclusions about things.. that there is a Truth about everything outside myself. Finding that all my answers are merely regurgitated dated teachings, where is there to look? Who can I trust for wisdom? It's hard swallowing the fact that your nurturing parents may be wrong about some things. Or everything? (I admit, much of this is a rephrasing of what my boyfriend said to me during a heated and revealing discussion. It ended poorly. But that's how much it rattled me.) Just trying to get a grip and keep the daily routine without falling asleep again.

"what do i want? a best friend i'm in love with"

this song makes me realize how romantic the idea of a person can seem when you're alone. plus it's so twee, which makes it all the more melancholy.

i'm not alone.. and it's pretty fun most of the time. i have to think about it more to appreciate what i have, but i'm working on that. and manage myself the times i am being driven crazy. or am doing the driving. haha.

i used to think i was a good and patient person.. not anymore. can't fool myself anymore. last year's events twisted me and turned me the opposite, sad to say. i became unbending because i bent too much. messed up. anyway, i guess i am only starting now to learn about love. i don't understand how to receive it, even after all these years. and how to give it? clueless and bumbling. what does it mean to have it? geez i really do hope i grow up soon, for the sake of everyone around me. sometimes i see things how they really are and am shocked at how b even puts up with me so much. unbelievable!

quit yr blubberin

i can be anything i want to be. t/f?

half-assedly trying = automatic false, idiot

how to embrace risk?

31knots

Sad + Happy = Sappy?

Le sigh. Break me out of this melancholy reverie!

Trying to be cool overcomplicates my life

That is pretty similar to the good quote by star designer Stefan Sagmeister,

"Trying to look good limits my life."

Except his is better, and he made big word art out of it. So true. Can't wait to grow up and do things that matter, and let keeping up appearances drop in priority. I already deem that the "coolest" people are ones who are passionate, driven, committed, voraciously curious, and trying to make a difference. I hope to be going in that direction as well, not for the sake of appearances, which can be deceiving and fade away, but for .. life!

"Deadbeat Dads" and other poor men are getting the least sympathy (and monetary aid) these days .. merely because they are men. But don't they need help just like anyone else? Article.

Expensive and well-designed furniture makes me drool (and covet), which is why I try to sharply curb my visits to design blogs. This mid-century Herman Miller Nelson Swag Leg desk was in an ad in a past issue of Dwell. I love the decision to make the partitions playfully colorful, while keeping the desk classy enough for use in an office.



Is good design self-indulgent? That fear always kept me from diving into that world of beauty and wonder. And "Design within Reach"? Hardly. I'd like to see that in action. IKEA is doing an OK job, but I'd go for better design and quality for double the price.

Caught in the most cush place in the world/time

"Waste! Not" article (from Boston Ideas)
Smart! Treating our waste as a resource, not as something to be done away with. And also thinking about ways to reduce the large amount of clean water we use in our current inefficient sewage system. But the psychological barriers to these advances are formidable. (Agh, I can't believe that diarrhea takes more lives than AIDS does in Africa... When we get the runs here, all it takes it some Tums, water, and rest and we're good to go after a few hours or so.) A lot of good research has been taking place, (much of it in a more forward-thinking Europe?), but it doesn't seem that realistic for America to adopt these new toilets any time soon, not as long as we are still wealthy and comfortable. Curse riches!

I've been reading Out of the Silent Planet (seem to have gotten in a sci-fi stage as of late, unintentionally) with a bemused perspective of one who has only appreciated C.S. Lewis for Narnia and his challenging, yet illuminating books on Christianity. So while it has been enjoyable, sci-fi C.S. Lewis is sorta weird in light of the depth of his other work. He compares himself to H.G. Wells (with whom I am not very familiar, sadly), but the sci-fi genre has never fully excited my imagination, because it involves a complete suspension of belief where I can hardly question anything without being dragged away from the story with a growing list of unanswered questions. I'm no scientist, but it's hard for me to immerse myself in a world that is completely different from the one in which I live.

Anyways, in the book, listening to Ryoi the alien hrossa talk about his species'(?) existence alongside with his enemy species' existence, and how they love the enemy even though they kill each other reminded me of what I learned about Native Americans in high school. They had a similar philosophy of life, treating the earth as a gift to be used and taken care of, but not abused. Animals were killed only for food and shelter, and killing for profit or fun was a vile concept outside of their thinking. Everything was done out of necessity, and never out of hate or excessiveness. What simplicity and harmony with the earth (until the Whites came and destroyed all of this in blood-thirst, greed and conquering spirit. Enter a new, powerful, extremely destructive civilization. And I'm part of that legacy. Is the Earth going to look like itself in Wall-E, a few hundred years from now? Uninhabitable?)

In light of this example, our modern lifestyles appear absolutely abhorrent and irresponsible. Driving luxury cars that make our air irreversibly dirty, and owning multiple cars? Littering? Creating so much trash out of unnecessarily excessive packaging, wasted food, and unused products? Living in giant homes that regulate temperature regardless of energy expenditure (One of my roommates used to turn the thermostat down to somewhere in the 60's and bury herself in her thick covers!)? Upgrading perfectly functional goods and owning new things all the time? There is no comparison.. Recent advances in more sustainable living are heartening, yet it is obvious that none of these advances and concessions would have to be made if our attitudes weren't so ruthless, short-term, and seeking for immediate satisfaction in the first place. We're not going backwards, but it sure seems that way as better ways of living call us to forgo comforts we always thought we were entitled to. And that's really uncomfortable! I have been accused of black and white thinking, so with that in mind, as Americans, I think eventually we'll have to get used to be pretty uncomfortable all the time, as long as we remember our past comforts. In fact, I currently feel guilty for having the luxury of hiding out in my really cool room when it's 102 degrees outside. Not that I am going to create discomfort for myself to expunge my middle-class guilt, but part of me longs for the day where collective good triumphs over individual ease. Yes, all our conveniences allow us to accomplish more and enjoy/consume more, but how much more meaningful is it to work, create and succeed within responsible boundaries? A lot more. Middle-class America has a long way to go, but the small changes within and the ones without (see poor countries) are for real. I'm staying tuned.

Something/ Someone Rises To Meet Me

Why am I scared of so many things? Sometimes, I wish I had more of a don't-give-a-fuck attitude about the little things. Offend people sometimes, do what I want. Surely that's a tad better than living in the fear of man. It's debilitating a lot of the times. I should live as if I am free, because.. I am. But I can't turn off emotions! They're not to be trusted sometimes. However, I can train myself to feel the right feelings at the appropriate time. Spending so much time around friends whose lives are driven by their emotions has made it difficult for me to do this, but I have to.

It's going to be a real challenge figuring out what I need to start controlling in my life, and what I need to relinquish to a higher power. Faith be turned to sight!

This whole finding housing ordeal is moderately stressful! I know that I won't be homeless come August, but the current mad rush is anxiety-inducing. I hope JJ and I won't have to pay more than we want to for a decent house, but I am willing to pay a good deal more for a comfortable home and peacefulness. Money has always been the top priority in finding a place to live, but I am allowing mental and emotional health to take precedence. Sometimes I want to purchase a house so bad.. Nevermind about that, since I plan on moving out of Austin within the next few years to see another part of the US or world. I don't want to become provincial, even though Texas is a great state. No better time to do it! And the only way I can determine my limits is to test them, right? Another scary idea. I suppose I must get over my irrational desire for a perfect and easy life, whatever that really means, because that's not my main goal in living anyway. Oh upbringing, the old rules I've learned from it I still apply, even though I am in an entirely new stage of life, because no new mindset has replaced it. Where is that mindset?? Give me! Maybe I'm not thinking enough about things.

On a musical note:
If you get to wear headphones at work, check out muxfind. It's a muxtape search engine, and probably a great way to get introduced to new music. Here's mine.

I think your bruise was understated (pt. 2)

And so begins the stealthy act of blogging at work..

"So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self-assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions"

The moment I popped out of bed yesterday morning (and without a hint of hangover, mind you - yay for B12) I took out Transatlanticism and played this song to usher in 2008. My favorite part is when it gets jaunty, but when it did, it was disappointing this time, as the lyrics change tracks and plunges into relationship territory. That never gets old, does it? Anti-climactic, just like the actual new year. Due to a dry run of new songs I've downloaded (they aren't sticking), I've returned to the soundtrack of my high school existence. But what greets my ears is less than picture perfect. Speaking specifically of Death Cab for Cutie's first few albums, the ones before Ben Gibbard got a bit older and hopped on the pop train, I've realized that their lyrical matter is much more sexual, depressing, and violent than I never imagined. All that rolled into one. I can say the same about the world, and some of my friends. It's not really reassuring. So grow up already, right? Shock, demystification, acceptance. I hate acceptance.

How does one make an impression using art these days? In some ways, I hate our day and age, where technological advances have pushed consumption over the human speed limit. Today it is practice in discipline being still and focusing on one thing for more than a moment (for more than fifteen minutes?). We forget how to process and digest. Artists of the not quite genius variety have it hard these days, as talent is easy to come by. Living simply is obsolete. And you don't need a magazine to tell you how to do it. Ridiculous. Maybe it's just me; I'm always on the move, hunting for the next big thrill. I'll wait for it, but it had better come. All this makes me anxious.

And somebody should do something about all the world's problems!

marl.

It's my last week here in Japan ( I leave on Sunday) and things have been going especially great! It's like a punishment for not having fully enjoyed my time here while the end seemed so impossibly far away.

Chinese medicine is amazing. I put some Yu Nan Bai Yao powder on my toenail and today it felt attached, instead of like it was on a hinge yesterday. There are also two mysterious little red balls inside the container that you take only in dire circumstances, like if you're going to die or something. You think I'm joking?

This morning, we had lunch at our across-the-street neighbor's, Takami San, and then she took us to a nearby shrine for a tea ceremony. It was so lovely and peaceful sitting in the tatami room with the doors slid open, gazing at the neatly tended garden outside. At the Bagel K office, my aunt and I walked to Osaka Jo (Castle), which is hundreds of years old, surrounded by a moat and tranquil as well. People were bicycling and jogging around the castle, which was very cute and reminded me of Town Lake. Then I finally went and got a haircut at a nearby salon, which was very intimidating at first, because everyone who worked there was young and stylish and had really nice hair. And here was I, couldn't speak more than eight licks of Japanese, dressed extremely casually in a shirt and cords (it was nearly rude), and sporting a very overgrown, unkempt mop- I do that a lot to haircutters: terrify them by bringing them a big rescue project of cleaning up to do; they are probably tempted to start making before-and-after ads, it's nearly shameful. I just don't believe in $50 trims, ya know? Anyhow, I got to strike up a mostly successful conversation in English with the girl who washed my hair, despite that she was alarmingly pretty (Erin says that being intimidated by people who are a lot more beautiful than you are is rather normal). OK, let's get this straight: in general, Japanese girls are very pretty and fashionable (a.k.a. super vain and materialistic??), and contrary to "popular" belief, they don't look clownish one bit.
After my quick cut, which looks pretty different, very thin (so this is what early cancer hair maybe feels like..), kind of glammy rocker, poofed- up hair atop my head, but for girls, but not altogether bad- looking, I started chatting with a few of the other girls there and by the time I reluctantly left, I was chummy with half the staff. I'm just regretful and I slap myself for not going there sooner, because it was so neat getting to know them, even if it was just for a few hours. And to think, the only good intentions I had going in there was informing them that the 'luxurly' in their company logo wasn't a real English word. ('Luxurious' would've run it terribly out of alignment though.)

After getting over the fact that I may never see them again, I realized that the main reason I wanted to get to know them was because they were simply attractive people, and they were just excited at the rare chance to talk to a foreigner, especially an American. Well, this isn't coming out exactly the way I imagined it, but the general point is, we were each attracted to the imagined idea of who the other person was based on one characteristic and not seeking reality. So, now would be a good time to inject a comment about how there are so many ugly white guys with pretty Japanese girlfriends here. (But to my surprise, that's not accurate at all.)

It makes me feel guilty, because I feel that I am cheating through much of life instead of earning it. Ex. Rightful B's at the end of the semester inexplicably turning into A's on the grade report, receiving high marks in fencing nationals twice due to underhanded placement by the coach (long story), getting treated with favor and special interest here because of my "exotic" American status, securing high- paying, low- effort summer jobs because of connections, tricking teachers into believing that I got writing skillz even though I never properly learned grammar rules in junior high and because of a big word vocabulary I amassed from reading other writers, and just being able to inspire awe. It's much too easy. And if that's how everyone else's experience is, that's dreadfully disappointing.

Sometimes, or rather, because of a recent viewing of Breakfast at Tiffany's, I like waltzing into expensive jewelry shops with a $50 budget (adjusted for inflation).. well that too, but mostly, I think about:

"She's a phony, but she's a real phony."

Oh well, I hear that you can't completely fake through getting a Ph.D., which is somewhat reassuring.
It's probably all thanks to that killer thesis.

Football Frenzy

I haven't been watching the World Cup. It's not so fun trying to decipher the commentary and team names in Japanese. Anyhow, I still feel somewhat connected with my friends abroad, who are also residing in soccer/ football - crazed countries (aka not the US). Like, what's up with the US and American football?

This ad is ridic. But very creative.

Today we went to a talk by an ex- US ambassador, ex- CEO of some corporation, ex- journalist about corporate communication. The old man with a very red face and a pus- colored comb- down threw around concepts like 'niche marketing' and the decline of the efficacy of print media. Yawned half the time, but it was useful. Now I know I want to be as far away from business as possible. Of course, there is always the possibility of huge profits, but you always have to be on your toes, seeking out more information, non- stop work. There is no life beyond work. Not my idea of a career I want. And friends, what friends? Everyone is a contact, a connection, only useful for what they can do for you and your standing. Dreadful stuff.

Ready, Set, Pack

Oh Jens, you steal my heart. Kinda sad how that happens nowadays via reading strangers' blogs. Here's his. <333 style="font-style: italic;">
"What I'm trying to say,
What I want to say,
Without trying to say .. I LUH-UH-UH-VE YOU" (mp3)

Ditchin' music for books, Attempt #46. With that goal in mind, I moseyed over to 1/2 Price Books today and purchased on whims. Summer '06 reading material:
Scandinavian Design / Taschen Press
Les Miserables / Victor Hugo
Jude the Obscure / Thomas Hardy
The Good Earth / Pearl S. Buck

They had some really old books that were clearly as old as their average customer, very loved, and yellowed to the max, with list price $1.99 on the corner, and they went and slapped a $2.98 price sticker on it. Sick capitalists. 1/2 is sick anyway from the way they squeeze out a few quarters for a whole grocery bag of your gently used books.

I just realized something. That government influences design. You can see it all around.

I have mixed feelings about this adolescent nation. I know that all the comfort and convenience I enjoy on a daily basis is because of it, but I can't help but be more critical. The US is brash, bumbling, arrogant, would do anything for a dollar and primarily, whose workaholic, success-crazed people are going nowhere at a breakneck speed. And it's really ridiculous (well, many things here are really ridiculous) how ignorant the public is. Like me. Being in college is like living in a cave. Yes, it's a very fun, but closed- off cave. We trolls do not get out enough, nor do we care to. I don't think we need to adjust a few steps. I think we need to turn around or do some major weeding out. But who cares what I think, I'm just a materialistic, crazed twentysomething who's a little disoriented from being hit by the start of summer.

How do you enjoy youth? Really, give me your thoughts. I think I'm doing a bad job with that. Perhaps I should be extroverted sometimes. Like, in my essay for planning out the last 24 hours of life, I said I would shed my perpetual shyness and actually talk to boys I like. Sad that it takes the thought of impending death to make me do that. Haha.

there aren't enough tears to drown the world's sorrow

Mostly, because people like me don't cry enough about anything.

"Who Killed Vincent Chin?" - a documentary about a hate crime against an innocent Chinese man who was beaten to death with a bat by two white workers (Nitz and Ebens) who mistakenly thought he was Japanese. "It's because of you little motherfuckers that we're out of work," declared Ebens, referring to U.S. auto manufacturing jobs being lost to Japan. The perpetrators spent one day in jail and were eventually cleared of charges.

F. Less now than before, but still once in a while, I will leave a lecture, discussion or video viewing absolutely floored by a true glimpse of extant evil and injustice in the world. These accounts effect changes beyond mere clinical depression, they inject cruel reality into the fat of our flowery and lavish lives. They should crush all humanly hope. You really think that people are good inside?
These are deep-rooted problems on a macro scale, inside and way outside of me, seemingly alien to my tiny, comfortable particle of existence, yet it touches everyone. OK, so this major makes me a really un-fun person to be around sometimes, with me moping around about abstract issues from time to time. But what I think is the real sin is that we don't mourn enough or care about what's happening to people. Blah, blah, blah: wait until it hits you at the heart, at the friend, at the loved one. I don't want to wait, I'd like to believe it and internalize it now. What can be done? There are the things you care about, some justified and others not, and then there are things you should really care about.
As Anne Lamott so honestly inquired (althought she was referring to Bush's reign), how can I help? I pray that I'll never stop pondering and asking this question.

What about the little, good things in life, you say? These should require similar scrutiny. For me, here are a few examples: quality time spent with my family, eating lunch on Fridays at the 100-year old sandwich grocery with my group of friends, trying new recipes with roommates, finding a well-fitting pair of jeans, pre-rain weather, listening to a song for the nth time and experiencing maximum auralgasm, watching old movies on Kristi's trundle late at night instead of doing homework. But let's examine these further. In my ability to enjoy these things, how am I privileged, and in contrast, how are others not? This is not to say that we should be abstaining from everything good and pleasurable, but that we should not take these things for granted because they come at great cost, and for many individuals, they don't even come.

Reader, I write this down so I will not forget. Carry a pen around everywhere and you're half there. The next time you see me I'll probably be sprawled on the couch, munching on a Wonka bar and rifling through the pages of the latest Star. I am the very problem I cry out against! Even if it takes thousands of failures before a breakthrough, the fist of triumph is still steadily raised.

AYWKUBTTOD screams:
"If you forget how to feel
Reach inside your chest
Is there a heart beating?
Is there there just emptiness"

There's a bloody heart in there! Use it.


Ah... forgetting already..

Charity

Literally, this is the gift that keeps on giving. Buy a cow that goes to a poor family, they can drink some of the milk, sell the rest, and promises to give one of the offspring to another family in need. The cycle keeps on repeating itself, indefinitely. What a revolutionary way to combat world poverty, wouldn't you say? You could also go for a pig, a llama, chicks, a water bull ..

Heifer International

It looks like I can give up a photo frame (I have zero pictures anywhere in my room) to purchase a flock of geese that will probably get sent to China (represent!). That should make me good inside. But then after that, and all throughout life, there is a constant struggle between obeying my selfish desires and not, by sharing with the less fortunate. Where's the balance? Are we bad people because we buy ourselves a new pair of technical running shoes when the money could've been put to much better/ more ethical use for hurricane relief or a world hunger non-profit organization? Perhaps if we thought more and paid more attention to things outside of us we could have a more accurate perspective. If everyone was charitable, especially those who could afford it, just imagine what the world would be like.

..But let's quit these lofty thoughts, I want to do a Froogle search for a new Capilene pullover.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

At least man gets an idea of how small he really is when wondering "how can one person make a difference," but unfortunately it is these humbling thoughts that most often keep good deeds from occurring.

It has come to my attention that some lessons can only be learned through experience. In fact, the more something is proclaimed, the longer it takes to realize, probably. "One person can make a difference!" That phrased is so hackneyed it could make a seven year-old wince. But everyone who has witnessed it in action is compelled to spread the phrase, which brings very strong evidence of its timeless truth.

Another thing I have been asking myself: am I really happier and more better off than I have ever been with all the new things I keep on acquiring? The answer is no, but it's infinitely much easier to live for a comfortable lie than for a hard truth. C.S. Lewis has something to say about part of this:

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

I feel like the mother of the world

Take a hint, give a hint. Cards to hand to people who constantly yap into small metal bleeping devices, loudly. Let's cut down on the noise pollution already. And if you print them out on nice cardstock, it'll be even better. SHHH!

It seems like everyone in this college is learning about black folk and racism in their classes. Theme? A good thing to know, although I still feel just as removed from their terrible experiences. Mine is in the context of education of course, specifically addressing the why's of low-achievement among black students. Factors and complicatedness, but it is not their fault like we think! It makes me ask nonstop, in America, how the hell do these people survive? It is said that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. Then they are very strong people.

Mojo's Daily Grind on Guadalupe is a pretty neat place. And it used to be a house, silly. Rach, Nora and I studied there tonight, amidst the swirlies of hot smoke on the porch, and then to the tune of a loud and angsty boy who was promoting himself on an open mic. I had just finished my school book, Young, Gifted And Black, and it took me 3 times as long with that background noise beckoning in my ears. I always felt a little self-conscious carrying that book around with it's title in fat bold butternut squash-orange letters on its black cover. Reform, reform. I am getting the idea that we humans started off on bad footing on just about anything and everything and for the rest of time we are trying to fix it, layers and layers of fixing. What can we say that is great for the collective human race? Hum. We are messed up and therefore, we mess up.

Been experiencing some anxiety lately from the machine component. Why don't we use the most effective ways to do things? Especially things that are important, like learning, teaching, studying, exercising, scheduling, ee e e? But if we save time and energies, what do we use that extra on? More efficiency? Is this how business and capitalism work? Life is but a vapor, and then it's gone. How much have I wasted?
Ok, and then there are relationships. Messy, wonderous things. I was thinking, I would not trade society for amazing aesthetic ability; that's why great artists need to kill themselves, dying alone. They couldn't help being selfish. In some ways, the sadness becomes even more real when you can share it with someone. Otherwise, whose reality are you trusting? Ah, I must soon retire, now that I've started spilling words concerning things I know nothing about.

Biking to Mr. Natural's (Chicon and Ceasar Chavez) with Mary tomorrow for lunch. Extra special, I say!